I can’t remember when it started but every time I don’t feel positive with my overall well-being, it manifests as a jolt of pain in my back running down my spine — seemingly cutting my flesh open, with nothing but void inside. I abhor this feeling. A plethora of unnecessary emotions surge, that I have to grapple with for the next weeks or so. In that span of time, all hell in me breaks lose. I don’t like it. I need to break away from this.
The first week of September has kept me busy. It became evident that the salary from the firm I am currently working at can barely support me anymore. With covid cases rising astronomically by day, a government that is utterly useless in dealing with the crisis, and prices of goods rising faster than the increase of salary, you get an inkling of how hard life is right now (and will be gonna be) for the common Filipino from here on. That includes me.
I managed to line up some projects for Taller Rámgo and Carbon Creatives as an additional source of income. For Taller Rámgo, I have an ongoing negotiation with a local construction company to be their architectural designer for all design projects in one year upon signing the agreement. The president of the company has already gave me a ‘written’ (thru messenger) approval of the contract that I have drafted but he hasn’t signed the papers yet. The agreement is worth nothing if it is not signed. I have also been working with a contractor based in California to produce renderings and visual presentations for their projects overseas. Per rendering project, I am able to make a few extra income. For Carbon Creatives on the other hand, I was able to make a deal with a project management organization to edit their videos and produce collaterals for their project PM Stories. I am set to work on one account too, a branding design for an IT company called Systemantics. It brings me a bit of relief that there is demand for work but I have my worries too.
The agonizing thing about these projects that I have now is the waiting game. You’re not sure when the next rendering project is gonna come, or when a design project is gonna be handed down. Thus, you really won’t know when you’ll get paid. And even if you have a signed contract already and that you should be paid in advance, that unlikely happens. Clients still pay late. These opportunities only provide little security for myself. The worst about me is that I have little patience for waiting. It has never been my strong suit. Waiting places me in an uncertainty. Uncertainty makes me vulnerable to all the things that I have been shielding myself from — that jolt of pain running down my spine, that plethora of emotions, that void I keep trying to tear through, only to realize that I am in a cycle of voids, never escaping. It pushes me to a limbo making me wanna puke. It suffocates me that I would want to vanish from this world for a minute or an hour. I hate being this way, this feeling of weakness and confusion upon the face of uncertainty. It’s a long way to unlearn and heal this personal trauma but right now, I can only be grateful for being able to recognize this destructive response. That is a step ahead. The next move of course is to ask;
“Why am I feeling this way? What is the root cause of this misery I have inflicted in myself?”
The answer almost came instinctively and very human at that. All this negativity emanating from within me is tied with two things: fear of failing and security. Currently, I am standing on an unstable platform, rocking back and forth, sideways left and right. This is not the ideal position for me to be in and I got carried away by the fear of tumbling down and failing. I tend to forget my goal and my mission at times especially when I try to be strictly logical about everything. In hindsight, all the times that I try to be logical about my goals and dreams are the times that made me lose my joie de vivre, that made me spiral into my cycle of voids. Logic brings me nothing but chaos sometimes. Nevertheless, I understand that it is part of the grand scheme of living. I must endure the process of it all. If not, what is my struggle for? If not, how will I recognize my own value? If not, how will I know where my capabilities can take me?
The developments and disruptions in my life right now bring a different air to it, almost smells like dried leaves on the ground. Worn and weathered. I have never been in this position but at the same time I am familiar with it. This brings me peace and fire to move forward. And as I move swiftly and silently, may I remember these things:
- Design is your life. You don’t need any reason for doing it.
- Work on your visions with persistence. Just work on it, even if the world tells you it does not make sense. It will make sense for them at the right time.
- “If you want something you never had before, you gotta do something you have never done before.” — Brad Rushing
- Give it your all, you have nothing to lose.
- If you just can’t wait for opportunity to knock on your door, go out, knock on whatever door and look for it.
- Rest, if you must. You are nothing without a sound mind and body.
- If you get rejected, just knock until you find the opportunity that you want.
- To ask is to open a door of infinite possibilities.
That’s it for now. Silence calls. The silence that had once become home to a pool of my personal demons have become my underwater respite, an ocean drowning my tears, covering my ears from all the noise, stabilizing my heart, pulling me back to my own purpose.
